Archive for the ‘Text Productions’ Category

Teaser poster for new James Bond 007 movie?

March 11, 2009

Legit or no? You decide.

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Top Ten Names for a Racehorse

December 8, 2008

To confuse the commentators and the spectators listening to the commentators. I know it’d amuse me.

In no particular order…

  1. Bad Horse. (It’s kinda obvious)
  2. I’m Leaving My Wife.
  3. WIZARD!!!! (There would be some very specific rules regarding pronunciation)
  4. Number 7 Greyhound.
  5. Hiphoppopotamus.
  6. Raxacoricofallapatorious. (Yes, it is pronouncable; I can do it)
  7. Brought To You By Weet-Bix.
  8. Meatspin. (Oh, imagine the post-race Googling; on that note, please don’t Google it; I’m warning you, it’s not pretty)
  9. Number Two. (only works if it’s not actually the #2 horse)
  10. Chuck Norris.

The Bad Horse facts

November 4, 2008

Umm… I had some time on my hands.

These are some memetic badass facts about Bad Horse, a character from Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. Even though he only has about three seconds of screen-time, Bad Horse is described as “the Thoroughbred of Sin,” having a “terrible death whinny” and ruling the Evil League of Evil “with an iron hoof.” One night, after too much Coca Cola and not enough sleep, this kinda happened. (Yes, I know, they’re based on the Chuck Norris facts… but now they’re about a frakking horse! How is that not awesome?!?)

I give you… the Bad Horse facts:

  1. A blind man once stepped on Bad Horse‘s iron hoof. Bad Horse whinnied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Bad Horse!” The mere mention of his name (even in whinny language) cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal trampling delivered by Bad Horse.
  2. A Disabled parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Bad Horse and that you will be disabled if you park there.
  3. Apple pays Bad Horse 99c every time he listens to a song.
  4. At birth, Bad Horse came out feet first so he could give the veterinarian some iron hoof to the face. Nobody delivers Bad Horse but Bad Horse.
  5. Bad Horse always gets blackjack. Even when he’s playing poker.
  6. Bad Horse can divide by zero.
  7. Bad Horse can kill two stones with one bird.
  8. Bad Horse can lead a human to water AND make it drink. At iron hoof-point.
  9. Bad Horse can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other people’s teeth, though.
  10. Bad Horse can slam a revolving door.
  11. Bad Horse can sneeze with his eyes open.
  12. Bad Horse can speak Braille.
  13. Bad Horse clogs the toilet even when he pisses.
  14. Bad Horse counted to infinity – twice. In whinnies.
  15. Bad Horse destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of badassery.
  16. Bad Horse died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
  17. Bad Horse does not get frostbite. Bad Horse bites frost
  18. Bad Horse does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Bad Horse goes killing.
  19. Bad Horse does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
  20. Bad Horse does not leave messages. Bad Horse leaves warnings.
  21. Bad Horse does not sleep. He waits.
  22. Bad Horse doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
  23. Bad Horse doesn’t give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Bad Horse.
  24. Bad Horse doesn’t have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.
  25. Bad Horse doesn’t read books. He whinnies at them until he gets the information he wants.
  26. Bad Horse doesn’t understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
  27. Bad Horse ends every relationship with “Its not me, its you”.
  28. Bad Horse frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
  29. Bad Horse got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
  30. Bad Horse has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Bad Horse problem.
  31. Bad Horse has to sort his washing into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.
  32. Bad Horse is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
  33. Bad Horse is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Bad Horse claims “6 Feet of Fun” is actually the trademark for his penis.
  34. Bad Horse is hung like a horse. Duh.
  35. Bad Horse is so fast, he can run around the world and give himself some iron hoof to the arse.
  36. Bad Horse is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
  37. Bad Horse is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  38. Bad Horse never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the frak off.
  39. Bad Horse once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.
  40. Bad Horse once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands With A Reputation For Bestiality.
  41. Bad Horse once went on Who Wants To Be A Millionare? and answered, “Bad Horse” to every question. D’you need me to tell you the rest?
  42. Bad Horse only uses one chopstick.
  43. Bad Horse owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. In his hoof.
  44. Bad Horse puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.
  45. Bad Horse refers to himself in fourth person.
  46. Bad Horse sleeps with a night light. Not because Bad Horse is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Bad Horse
  47. Bad Horse sold his soul to the devil for thoroughbred status and his general badassery. Shortly after the transaction was finalised, Bad Horse trampled the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  48. Bad Horse‘s sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, the All Blacks, and the several million years of parallel genetic evolution in order to impregnate a woman.
  49. Bad Horse‘s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  50. Bad Horse uses all seven letters in Scrabble. Every turn.
  51. Bad Horse was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  52. Bad Horse was sending an email one day, when he realised that it would be faster to gallop.
  53. Bad Horse, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Chuck Norris why he thinks he should have the seat and Chuck replies, “I believe… I should have the seat because of my rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.” Arnie says, “I believe… that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements.” God then turns to Bad Horse, who replies with, “I believe… you have placed a gaudy throne in my spot.”
  54. Bad Horse’s hoof is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
  55. Bad Horse‘s iron hoofs are made from the skin of Tony Stark.
  56. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Bad Horsetatorship.
  57. Filming on location for Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, Bad Horse brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged hoof rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Bad Horse trampled the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Bad Horse giveth, and the Bad Horse, he taketh away.
  58. AAMI saved 15% by switching to Bad Horse.
  59. If at first you don’t succeed, you are obviously not Bad Horse.
  60. If Bad Horse is late, time better slow the frak down.
  61. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Bad Horse says its beef, then it’s frakking beef.
  62. If you can see Bad Horse, he can see you. If you can’t see Bad Horse you may be only seconds away from death.
  63. If you come home to find Bad Horse doing your wife, it’s probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Bad Horse gets thirsty. There ain’t no future in any other course of action.
  64. If you have five dollars and Bad Horse has five dollars, Bad Horse has more money than you.
  65. If you see Bad Horse crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.
  66. If you try to introduce your mother to Bad Horse, she’ll introduce you to your biological father.
  67. In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Bad Horse.
  68. Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, “WWBHD?”
  69. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Bad Horse can kill 100 percent of whatever the frak he wants.
  70. Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Bad Horse is going to kill you.
  71. Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Bad Horse enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
  72. Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Bad Horse. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.
  73. One time in an airport a guy accidentally called Bad Horse “Bad Norse”. He explained it was an honest mistake and apologised profusely. Bad Horse accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy’s wife gave birth to a half-human, half-horse creature. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
  74. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Bad Horse.
  75. Oxygen requires Bad Horse to live.
  76. Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Bad Horse got an award for masturbating in public.
  77. People say the truth hurts, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when it comes from Bad Horse.
  78. Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Bad Horse open you would find another Bad Horse inside, only smaller and angrier.
  79. Someone once tried to tell Bad Horse that iron hoofs aren’t the best appendages with which to kill someone/rule something. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
  80. Superman owns a pair of Bad Horse pajamas.
  81. Switzerland isn’t really neutral. They just haven’t figured out what side Bad Horse is on yet.
  82. The chief export of Bad Horse is pain.
  83. The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type “Bad Horse” into Google and hit “I’m Feeling Lucky!”.
  84. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself… The only thing fear has to fear is Bad Horse.
  85. The phrase “Made by Bad Horse” is imprinted beneath the surface of China.
  86. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Bad Horse‘s iron hoof.
  87. There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Bad Horse‘s computer. Bad Horse is always in control. Also, he has no fingers, but mainly it’s the control thing.
  88. There is no neck underneath Bad Horse’ mane. There is only another hoof.
  89. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Bad Horse has allowed to live.
  90. They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Bad Horse. He doesn’t have to.
  91. Water boils faster when Bad Horse watches it.
  92. We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, “Please don’t kill me.” Too bad Bad Horse doesn’t believe in magic.
  93. When Bad Horse answers the phone, he just whinnies “Go”. This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
  94. When Bad Horse laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently shits a cow.
  95. When Bad Horse sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, standing stationary with an iron hoof raised. Bad Horse has not had to pay taxes ever.
  96. When Bad Horse was attending the University Of Evil Doing, his Theory professor assigned an essay: “What is Courage?” Bad Horse received an High Distinction for writing only the words “Bad Horse” and promptly turning in the paper.
  97. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Bad Horse.
  98. When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Bad Horse.
  99. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Bad Horse jumps out.
  100. Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Bad Horse so he can scare the shit out of them.

If you can think/adapt/steal any more, please bung ’em into the comments.

(also, “Horribleness” is in my spell-check. I have no idea how that happened.)

Review: The Dark Knight

July 22, 2008

THE DARK KNIGHT
Director: Christopher Nolan
Writers: Christopher Nolan and
Jonathan Nolan (story by David S. Goyer; Batman created by Bob Kane)
Starring: Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Heath Ledger, Gary Oldman, Aaron Eckhart, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Morgan Freeman

My Rating: 10 out of 10

The Dark Knight is one of the most perfectly perfect films I have ever seen. Admittedly it’s only in the last few years that I’ve started expanding my film horizons and watching the kind of movies that fall into the category of “masterpiece” (it’s been about eight months since I watched The Godfather for the first time) but I’m confident that others will agree with me when I say that despite being both a sequel and a comic book movie, The Dark Knight really is a masterpiece of modern film.

The story picks up almost a year after the events of Batman Begins, with Gotham City fighting a war on crime. Bruce Wayne (Bale) is doing his best to wipe out the mob in the guise of Batman, helped by bulter/confidant Alfred (Caine), Detective Gordon (Oldman) and love interest Rachel Dawes. When the new DA, Harvey Dent (Eckhart), starts making some headway on the crime problem through legal channels, Bruce believes it might be time to hang up the cowl and let Dent become the city’s protector. But everything starts going to hell when the Joker (Ledger) launches a campaign of terror and chaos against Gotham.

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Review: “Journey’s End” (Doctor Who, series 4, episode 13)

July 14, 2008

“JOURNEY’S END” (DOCTOR WHO, SERIES 4, EPISODE 13)
Reviewed: July 14th, 2008
Director: Graeme Harper
Writer: Russell T Davies
Starring: David Tennant, Catherine Tate, Freema Agyeman, John Barrowman, Elizabeth Sladen, Billie Piper, Julian Bleach, and Nicholas Briggs

My Rating: 4 out of 10

“Journey’s End” is more of what we got with “The Stolen Earth”, no more and no less. The problem is that “The Stolen Earth” was more than a little bit rubbish, and the stench doesn’t get better with time. Russell T Davis doesn’t fix the problems that cropped up in the previous episode and because of this – and in spite of every other aspect of the episode being top-notch – the writing turns what should’ve been a great series finale into a steaming pile of dung.

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Review: Hancock

July 14, 2008

HANCOCK
Reviewed: 14th July, 2008 (i.e. late)
Director:
Peter Berg
Writers: Vincent Ngo and Vince Gilligan
Starring: Will Smith, Jason Bateman, Charlize Theron, Eddie Marsan

My Rating: 6 out of 10

Hancock is a hard film to review because it’s a hard film to get a handle on. There’s a lot of good elements to it, such as the performances and the special effects, but the film suffers from a kind of schizophrenia that makes it hard to define, hard to review, and ultimately hard to like.

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Review: Get Smart

July 5, 2008

GET SMART
Reviewed: 5th July, 2008
Director: Peter Segal
Writers: Tom J. Astle and Matt Ember (characters created by Mel Brooks and Buck Henry)
Starring: Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway, Dwayne Johnson, Alan Arkin, Terence Stamp

My Rating: 7 out of 10

I was surprised at how much I liked Get Smart. I had been expecting a slapstick comedy with guns involved, but the film proved to be something more akin to the Bond films of Pierce Brosnan’s era, only they’d been played for laughs as much as for excitement.

The film follows Maxwell Smart (Carrell), the top analyst for spy agency CONTROL, who wants to be a field agent. He gets his chance when the evil KAOS organisation kills most of CONTROL’s agents, forcing the Chief (Arkin) to promote Max and partner him with the mysterious Agent 99 (Hathaway). What follows is a spy romp across Russia and the US as Max and 99 take on the forces of KAOS and its nefarious leader Siegfried (Stamp).

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Review: “The Stolen Earth” (Doctor Who, series 4, episode 12)

June 27, 2008

“THE STOLEN EARTH” (DOCTOR WHO, SERIES 4, EPISODE 12)
Reviewed:
29th June, 2008
Director:
Graeme Harper
Writer: Russell T. Davies
Starring: David Tennant, Catherine Tate, Freema Agyeman, John Barrowman, Elizabeth Sladen, Billie Piper, Julian Bleach, and Nicholas Briggs

My Rating: 7 out of 10

WARNING: SOME SPOILERS AHEAD. I’LL TRY TO KEEP ‘EM TO A MINIMUM, BUT IF YOU DON’T WANNA KNOW WHO/WHAT THE VILLAIN IS, STOP READING NOW.

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Review: The Incredible Hulk

June 19, 2008

THE INCREDIBLE HULK
Reviewed: June 19th, 2008
Director:
Louis Leterrier
Writers: Zak Penn, Edward Norton (uncredited)
Starring:
Edward Norton, Liv Tyler, Tim Roth, and William Hurt

My Rating: 7 out of 10

I’ll preface my review with a confession: I liked the first Hulk movie. It wasn’t perfect by a long shot, with a far-too-convoluted plot and too much time with a whiney Eric Bana. But Ang Lee had a terrific visual style and brought out a lot of interesting ideas and character points. It has it merits, but it wasn’t a film meant for franchise. The Incredible Hulk most certainly is. Leterrier has stripped away some of the heaver elements of Ang Lee’s interpretation to create a lean, action-packed film that stays closer to the tone of the Hulk comics and TV series. If you’re looking for a deep dramatic film then look elsewhere, but if you want a blockbuster popcorn action flick that makes a decent attempt to be serious, The Incredible Hulk is right up your alley.

The film follows Bruce Banner (Norton), a mild-mannered scientist who, thanks to an overdose of gamma radiation, transforms into the giant monstrous Hulk whenever he’s angry or stressed. For five years Bruce has been a fugitive, on the run and pursued by General “Thunderbolt” Ross (Hurt), who wants to turn the Hulk into a military weapon. Close to a cure for his condition, Bruce returns to America to find ex-girlfriend Betty Ross (Tyler) – who happens to be General Ross’ daughter – and faces off against Emil Blonsky (Roth), an ageing commando whose obsession with the Hulk’s power slowly turns him into an Abomination.

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Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

May 26, 2008

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
Reviewed: May 15th, 2008
Director: Steven Spielberg
Starring: Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen, Ray Winstone, John Hurt, and Shia LaBeouf

My Rating: 7 out of 10

This is a really tough movie to review, ‘cause it’s really a tough movie to get a handle on. If you like the Indiana Jones movies, then you’re gonna like this one. But there are a lot of things about the film to hate.

For the uninitiated, Crystal Skull follows the continuing misadventures of Indiana Jones, intrepid archaeologist and fedora-wearing adventure hero. This time around its 1957, a full twenty years since the last movie, and an ageing Indy is going up against the Soviets to find the titular crystal skull. Helping Indy is punk greaser Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf), old flame Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen), duplicitous colleague Mac (Ray Winstone) and bat-shit crazy colleague Professor Oxley (John Hurt). Trying to do the heroes in is the Soviet scientist Colonol-Doctor Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett) and her army of Ruskie redshirts.

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